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| I think that all the silence is worse than all the violence
Fear is such a weak emotion that's why I despise it
We scared of almost everything, afraid to even tell the truth
So scared of what you think of me, I’m scared of even telling you
Sometimes I’m like the only person I feel safe to tell it to
I’m locked inside a cell in me, I know that there’s a jail in you
Consider this your bailing out, so take a breath, inhale a few
My screams is finally getting free, my thoughts is finally yelling through It has been over two years since I have even come to this website. I don't think anyone even uses it anymore. Time to blog about the past two hours. I just read through all the messages I have sent using Facebook. I just read through conversations with people I considered to be friends back in high school. My best friend, Maura...yeah, we aren't friends anymore. It was her decision, because I was such a horrible friend. I was apparently a freak. At one point she told me that all I do is murmurer under my breath about how I don't have to work during the week. One, in high school I never worked during the week. I only worked on the weekends. Two, I have worked more in the past three years than they have in their entire lives. Two of my best friends from high school don't even have legit jobs that they interviewed for. I don't get yearly reviews, but I do get told I do my job pretty damn well. I've been with Abercrombie & Fitch for the past three years. Working there takes dedication and patience. Not many people understand why. But back to the high school ex best friend thing. My other best friend from high school is now engaged. Lately I've been thinking to myself how I really don't think I will be invited to the wedding. We haven't exactly been friends in the past two years. It seems like we are forcing a friendship. If that's the way it is going to be from now on, I don't want to have that kind of friendship. I tried to make everything about them. Made sure to ask how they are doing, how classes are, how school is going. It's like they could care less about what is going on in my life. The fact that they let go of a four year friendship hurt me. I have better friends now. I'm glad I now know who my true friends are. They're the ones who will sit there and take care of me and talk to me when I'm so upset about something. They're the ones who make sure I'm okay. They are the ones I can go to North Carolina with and have a ball. They are the friends I didn't talk to for six years, and we picked up right where we left off. Nothing will ever compare to a friendship like Brooke and I have. She's my rock, my best friend, my girl. I honestly don't know what I would do without that girl. I'm there for her when she needs me. In short, we are in love. While I was in high school, I wasn't liked. I was dubbed the bitch. Yes, I was a bitch. I am still a bitch. And to be quite honest, I've changed a lot more than they care to see. They're still in their own little delusional world where everyone loves them. They all kept telling me that I was the one who was a backstabber and would only ever talk behind their back, when they turned around and did the same exact thing. They would get together on the weekend and just talk about me. It was like I was a joke, but they continued to be friends with me. I put up with a lot of shit from them. I was done putting up with their drama a long time ago. Graduation night was so fake. They all pretended they liked me. I knew they pretended to like me, and it hurt like a bitch. I wanted to workout our friendships so bad, that I eventually pushed them away. I don't need people like that in my life. If they think they are better off without me, I'm so much better off without them. I'm a stronger person than they will ever be.
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| This planet is turning our tires are burning Start up the engines I'm ready to go You caused a commotion and got my devotion We should be Bonnie and Clyde on the road.
Things you probably didn't know about me...
1. I'm early for everything. It's just a habit.
2. I'm addicted to caffiene. I drink Rockstar Punched in the morning and Mountain Dew during the day.
3. Born and raised in Pittsburgh, I hate Pitt and the Steelers. Penguins are the only real team for me.
4. I work at Abercrombie kids, in the back, because I don't like people. It's a good time.
5. Math is my favorite subject.
6. My paycheck goes towards three things: clothes, gas, and food.
7. I'm not a fan of the holidays. I don't know why. They seem like just another day.
8. I love my friends, I'd do anything for them, but sometimes I just don't feel like they like me.
9. I'm deathly afraid of spiders and hospitals.
10. I'm attending Penn State Behrend for the next two years and then plan to transfer to Main.
11. I've watched Penn State football since the '91 season. Thanks Dad.
12. Kanye West is my new favorite artist.
13. I usually fuck up a lot of things.
14. I drive a 2009 black Jetta. I have a hard time keeping it clean. Oops. It's my baby.
15. My phone goes everywhere with me. If I don't have it, I feel naked.
16. I wear my cross everyday, but I'm not very religious.
17. I tend to make it known that I don't like people.
18. Losing my wallet is an every day occurance. My bad.
19. Usually, I say I hate my life, but lately I've been loving it and not saying it.
20. When people see me in a good mood, they don't bother to ask what happened.
21. My favorite movies are The Notebook, The Sandlot, Miracle, and Dirty Dancing.
22. I've played the flute since 4th grade. I don't like it. I wanted to play drums.
23. I wear bandana's and look stupid, but I don't care.
24. I'm actually gonna miss my family next year.
25. I'm afraid to leave the Wexford/NA bubble.
26. I've changed a lot in the past four or five years. I used to want to die, I wore black and listened to death metal. Now, I have conformed and wear A&F and listen to whatever.
27. I'm really not aware of many political issues.
28. Penn State football is my one true love.
29. I have opinions and I don't really share them.
30. I miss my dad more and more each day. No one knows what it's like. I wish I could talk to someone about it. Life lately has been stupid. Nothing interesting. | | |
| Kindly unspoken You show your emotion And silence speaks louder than words It's lucky I'm clever If I didn't know better I'd believe only that which I'd heard
so yesterday was sort of a mistake all in itself. yesterday was probably the worst day i've had in a while. saturday i was supposed to see him, we didn't get the chance to meet up and had a slight misunderstanding. sunday i told him to just forget about me and basically everything about me. i told him i didn't want to talk anymore. it was a lie. all of it was a lie. i like him more than i should. not good. so he texted me telling me he wanted to still talk and all that. then i believe he called me we talked for an hour. and he was like stressing out because he had so much stuff to do on his first day of classes. he said he wanted me to visit him at school. i understand that he's busy and i accept the fact we aren't talking as much as we were over break. okay. i get it. yesterday at band practice i talked to other boy and he like asked me to be fuck buddies. no. i don't want to be. and he asked for pictures. and things happened. i talked to boy about it. i told him what i did and he said that he got jealous, because it wasn't him. yes, i feel so bad now. i don't understand how he can be jealous. there's nothing happening. as much as i would like it to happen...it probably won't happen. one can only hope though. i didn't mean to make him jealous, but the fact that he was jealous means something...right? maybe the possibility of me fooling around with some other guy will make him show how he really feels, but whatever. i can't make him like me, i wish i could. i want to ask him to morp. i think i will. woo. | | |
| This place is so empty My thoughts are so tempting I don’t know how it got so bad Sometimes it’s so crazy That nothing can save me But it’s the only thing that I have
oh, so i told the boy that i liked him. he didn't really care as much as i thought he would. he was really chill about it. which made me extremely happy. i told him that i needed to talk and he said about what. and i didn't answer him right away, so he called. i was surprised and i was like wow, i can't tell you. he sounded like he was worried, but i don't know. he was a concerned friend. so after like twenty minutes of me not telling him what it was he finally asked if he could guess. i let him guess. he guessed everyone on drumline. WRONG. he asked if they graduated. YES. he guessed people from 2008, 2007, and 2006. he finally got the hint and was like, "is it me?" yes silly, it's you. i like you. i didn't want to say it and he wanted me to say it. i wanted to see him so bad last night, but it was like two in the morning. ugh. i would have done anything to see him. i feel like i did the right thing with teling him, but at the same time that it was the wrong thing to do. i feel like i should have waited til graduation then he could act on it if he wanted to. now is just the time to wait. fuck my life. oh well. i'm happy. i feel better now that i told him. people keep telling me he does like me if he randomly calls me at two in the morning when he can't sleep. me, out of all people...why would you choose me? it means a lot to me that you would pick me. i like you. the end. | | |
| Because when I arrive I, I bring the fire Make you come alive I can take you higher What this is, forgot I must now remind you Let it rock
uh, that was a little awkward. i was in my shell around you. i don't like that. there was the awkward "we're just friends" arm rub. but i don't know. i wish things were like for sure. not just let's talk forever and not do anything about it, or let's say i wanna see you, and not follow through. i don't know. i don't know what i'm doing, where i'm going. all i do know is, that i will endure the inevitable pain that comes along with liking someone out of my league. i don't know what to do about this situation. i wanted to leave it go. i didn't want to talk to you until the new year, but you called me the same night i promised myself i wouldn't talk to you. what was i gonna do, not answer the phone? no, i was going to be nice and see where the conversation led us. but maybe you like this other girl and i'm just the hometown bitch you play with. i don't want to be that. i want to mean something to you. i want to keep getting to know you so in the end maybe something can happen. i make a wish every night. i always wish for us to talk. i don't want to be the girl you come to with your girl problems, i don't want to hear them. they hurt me. when you ask why you don't have a girlfriend, i want to respond with "because you don't like me," i just want to talk, all the time. i like you. the end. i'm pretty sure you know it too. why won't you do anything about this? what is it about me you don't like? what am i doing wrong? i always fuck up. i just want to be happy. i like you too much. i can't stop either. updateupdate
i hate myself for being infatuated with you. what is it about you? you treat me like a real person, you don't think i'm stupid, you don't judge me, you don't care i ramble on and on about how bad my day was, and it's your voice i'm in love with. i go crazy when you talk. it sounds weird, but it's 100% true. seeing you today was unreal. the hugs, the smile, the confused look, the awkwardness. i try so hard to be something you'd want, but i realize, you're not going to want me. you're going to want someone better. someone not in high school. someone who doesn't hate their life. someone who doesn't worry about everything. someone who will answer your 2am phone calls. someone who will know what to say the first time you see them in two months. someone who completes you. i am none of that. i'm in high school. i hate my life. i worry about everything. i hate answering the phone at 2am, but i do it anyway just to hear your voice. i never know what to say. i don't feel like i can be the one to make you feel amazing. i'm nothing to you, i'm nothing to the world. i'm a lonely little soul who walks around confused, frustrated, and sad. i drink too much caffiene. i tend to not do things right. i usually fail. i complain a lot. i'm a bitch. i treat people badly. i'm stupid. i'm materialistic. i have a car, which i probably don't need. i'm a nerd. i play guitar hero way too much. i'm lazy. i'm not a good cook. i'm a failure. i hook on to people like a leech. i feel the need to always talk to you. i'm trying to stray away from it, because liking you is only going to hurt me in the end. i'm pouring my feelings out, because i can't speak the words. i want to tell you what you mean to me, but it's never going to happen. this isn't a good situation at all. dude, i like you...a lot. i wish i could stop it. please...like me. | | |
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